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Financial Cheating, Money Secrets, and Financial Infidelity


 

"Money is probably the most emotionally meaningful object in contemporary life."


-David Krueger

 

It smells like melted butter in the house; the popcorn is ready. My wife and I are watching a movie about a husband who takes his wife on a trip to Europe where they encounter a series of strange events.


The main male character in the movie tells his wife that he was promoted and received a nice pay-raise. Further, after some complaining about never going to Europe, he tells his wife that they will go to Europe.


However, he was never promoted and didn't get a raise. He has become quite a cheapskate because his wife thinks they make more money than they do. They don't have the money for the vacation, and he goes out of his way to make sure his wife doesn't find out.



Financial Infidelity

Financial Infidelity

Marital infidelity, more commonly known as cheating, is well known. Lesser known is financial infidelity. Though it's not as known, it's very common. I can think of many examples from movies and television, but the stories from real life are far more impactful. Money is hard to talk about already. People grow up in homes where money isn't talked about, money is seen as bad, or there isn't any money to begin with. There are many negative emotions people associate with money. This is mostly due to our upbringing, and from traumatic, embarrassing, or otherwise highly emotional events having to do with money.


Because money is one of the most difficult topics for most people to talk about, we shouldn't be surprised that hiding embarrassing facts about money is so common. Once something has been hidden, lied about, or otherwise kept secret, people will go a long way to make sure the truth remains hidden.


Here are some real-world examples:

  • Saying you make more than you do and making up the difference with debt

  • Opening secret accounts to hide spending from your partner

  • Being dishonest about the cost of purchases

  • Hiding purchases from your partner

  • Not telling your partner about giving money to adult children

  • Cashing your check and depositing only part of it so your partner thinks you made less and you can spend the rest

  • Having part of your check directly deposited into your checking account and having another portion deposited into an individual account

  • Forging your partner's signature on tax returns so s/he can't see what on them

  • Opening credit card accounts and having statements sent to your office

  • Making purchases outside of an agreed-upon amount


These are a few examples of things people have done to cover up money-issues they didn't want to talk about. It doesn't have to be this extreme to be financial infidelity, though. Some estimate that over 40% of Americans admit to hiding accounts, debts, or spending habits.


It's far too easy for most of us to offer judgments, shame, and blame when others talk about money. As a result, the quality of the conversation falls, if it even happens at all, and it can lead to financial infidelity.

judgement, shame and blame in money conversations

Money Secrets

Money is hard to talk about, so when it does come up, our default mode is to try to get out of the situation quickly. In other words, in the moment we think that if we talk about it, we're going to fight and that's going to lead to shame and blame. It's better, we believe, to just not talk about it and hope it doesn't get brought up again.


It turns out, though, that this short-run solution doesn't work well in the long-run.


When the truth comes out, and it almost always comes out, the partner that was lied to has every reason to wonder, "what else are you lying about." There will be resentment, anger, grief, and a feeling of being heartbroken. Even if the truth doesn't come out, the partner hiding the secrets is likely to feel shame, guilt, worry, apprehension, and nervousness.


It's a high price to pay for avoiding a heated discussion about money.

financial infidelity, short run vs. long run